I Am Not Cranky

When I was 30 I had a complete hysterectomy. The doctor explained before putting me under that I will be going through menopause and told me what to expect. What a great thing to tell me before I went to sleep. No wonder I was screaming for my mother when I woke up.

Later I was ecstatic when I didn’t have any symptoms. I never went through the “change of life.” I figured I was blessed. Five years later I even told my doctor about this. He told me that they must not have given me a total hysterectomy. That a simple blood test would be necessary to find out. The test came back inconclusive. He put me on hormones. After a month of hormonal therapy I was able to put Dolly Parton to shame. Instead of walking with my shoulders back I was walking slumped forward. I was sent to a specialist. The hunt began to find out why I didn’t experience menopause. I went through a battery of tests, humiliating tests that I won’t even go into. When the test results came in I was relived that I was going to find out something. The results came back as inconclusive. I threw away the hormones, Dolly didn’t need anymore competition.

I went on with my life as usual.

Let’s fast forward 12 years.

I am driving down the road, air conditioner on full blast while my mother is wearing a long sleeve shirt, sweater, and her winter coat.

I require only two hours of sleep a night.

I find stepping out of the house in the middle of the night in 30 degrees weather, barefoot, no robe comfortable.

I am not cranky damn it.

I can now stand naked in front of a mirror and I can see my rear without turning around.

I am experiencing some major brain farts. Where are my teeth? Where did I put the dog? What is that word I am thinking of?

I am so happy I can do the happy dance…. But if you want just wait 5 seconds and my mood will radically change.

God I am tired, god I can’t sleep.

What the hell. I don’t have to shave my legs for two weeks but that mustache is a daily pain in the ass.

I am going to have my legs tattooed with tiny pictures of road signs.

I am not CRANKY.

Are these my grandmother’s hand?

That’s not an age spot that is a beauty mark.

Later.

I need a nap.