My mind has been wandering, that is the best and only way to put it. I am not open like Barb (a trait I admire) and I am not as eloquent as the rest of the blogs that I enjoy reading. I am sometimes taken aback by how many people do respond.

My old life, the life before wheels, I worked, I went home, and I took care of family. That is it.

I remember when I was married and my mother saw and understood my unhappiness. She would say “either shit or get off the pot.” Not exactly poetic or deep but it was truthful. I remember June 1^st, fifteen years ago and receiving a phone call that my brother had taken his own life and how the floor just dropped out from under my feet. My daughter remembers that day and says “it started off with you being happy, happier than I have seen you. Then you answered the phone and fell to the floor.” His untimely passing became my salvation. Less than a week later I threw everything I could into one laundry basket, called my mom, and walked out of the door with three children and didn’t look back. My brother left his unhappy marriage, his demons in the closet by locking himself up in a garage with a running car and I didn’t want that to happen to me.

I escaped the unhappy marriage but I have never been able to rid myself of my demons.

They come back, periodically and when they do I get moody, withdrawn, depressed. I have never been a people person. Professionally I am great with people; personally I want to avoid people. I wore two masks like many do.

I dated once, came close to giving in and taking the route most couples do. I then had to make a difficult decision and went back to being the person I was and back to the life I had been leading. I did not date again. The few friends I had passed. Death is not uncommon with me and not uncommon with my daughter. It is one of the saddest things we share.

So I am in one of my moods. It will pass and things will return to normal. Even though I am not sure what is normal is. If someone could define normal I would greatly appreciate it. I will think about happier times, find something humorous to think about, and keep on keeping on. I am so thankful for the life I have chosen.

It has open many doors for me, gave me new places to explore, and has given me the opportunity to meet people both on line and off line.

We will be moving on tomorrow. We are heading for the border. Every February I run away from my birthday. I think to myself if I can get across the border then my birthday doesn’t count. I discovered Central America and have been going there for three years every February. Because of a situation that I can not discuss at this time, my vacation money went to a very deserving family member. So the next best thing to do is head for the border. I will be stepping out of American soil in February and I will stay 44 for the fourth year. If I find Belikin beer or rooster beer I will be sitting on my little patio celebrating my success at defeating yet another birthday. Adios until tomorrow evening.