I'm Proud Of You Too, Granny

Robin's blog regarding funerals and keeping up with appearances made me do a little thinking. I was blessed with two grandmothers, one I remember as being soft and grandmotherly. The other was all corners and very business oriented. One grandmother I could curl up in her lap and the other wouldn't tolerate it. I loved both my grandmothers.

Granny Charlton, my father's mother, was the one with corners - sharp edges. You dressed up for her and put on appearances. I never did live up to her expectations. Something I figured out when I was very young. When she would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would always reply "a truck driver." I knew I would never be the granddaughter who floated when she walked, wore a size two dress, knew all the correct things to say, and knew the difference between the salad fork and a regular fork. I was her biggest disappointment. Yes, Deanie I do remember that silver handle brush that would land with a resounding smack on my behind. My brother was her ambition, and her granddaughters weren't. He was the one sent to private schools and I didn't envy him for being the apple of her eye.

As an adult and a mother of three children, I remember flying out to Arizona. She was elderly and couldn't drive so I caught a cab. When I knocked on her door, she opened it and looked at me and said "God you're fat." I just hugged her and went out on the porch to smoke a cigarette. You know something it didn't hurt. I am one of those people that will tolerate abuse because I catch a glimmer of who that person really is. The person that hides behind a thorny bush called self.

She might have been disapproving but she was there for me in my adult life. Toward the end of her life, I would spend hours on the phone with her just talking and reminiscing. The person I knew was always there came out during these talks. The giggling little girl, the sarcastic adult, the wise old owl....

We all have ghost in our closets. I was fortunate to become acquainted with my grandmother's ghosts and because of those ghosts, I grew to understand her.

My last visit and yes she was lucid, she came running into the bedroom. I had just gone to bed and she jumped in bed with me. It freaked me out, this was totally unlike her. We talked about girl stuff. It was bizarre because we both felt like we were at a slumber party. The next morning she was back to her old self, the grandmother who was all business. We never talked about our little slumber party.

My grandmother made arrangements for her passing; she let us know that we would not have to fly to Arizona to settle her estate. It was a shock to find out that we were expected to come to Arizona after her death. I walked into her home and started the process of going through all of her belongings. When I started the process, I was shocked to find presents for me in every room of the house. She had taken the time to leave me a trinket in every room of her house. I even found a trinket, wrapped up in her bathroom. My great grandmother's embroidery was in the shed. It was every room in the house. You know I never heard her say, "I love you." I never heard "I'm proud of you." Those last days in her home, even though she had passed, spoke volumes.