This past week has been a waiting game. Surely has been the star attraction. Since she has forgotten where to use the toilet mom and I have been on high alert. Any sign of her squatting, one of us will jump up and take her outside. I think it has made her a nervous wreck.

It takes her awhile to get her prance going when outside and once she does…. She wants to go back to the house, she is worn out.

Last night Surely and I went through our little bedtime ritual. I carried her outside and waited. Then I carried her inside and put her on her pillow in front of the couch. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and I saw her struggling to jump into my bed. Something she knows she is not allowed to do since she now has a bladder, poop control problem. Then she had a seizure. It was horrible. Her head bobbing up and down, nose hitting the floor then snapping up like some manic dog toy people keep in the back of their cars. All I could was put my hand on her back. When it was over I couldn’t put her in her kennel. She hates that thing and she misses sleeping with me. Foolishly I put her in my bed and waited for her to get comfortable. Then I slipped in beside her and rested my hand on her back.

3:00 a.m. another seizure occurred and I just talked to her and waited for it to subside. 4 hours later mom woke up to a mess. Surely had piddled, pooped, and vomited throughout the RV. Mom then saw her have a third seizure.

I called the vet as soon as I could and I took her in this morning. At first she was excited to be leaving the house, but she stumbled and almost fell down the stairs and that took the wind out of her sails. I carried her to the car and then into the vet’s office. They took a blood sample and her kidney function has worsened.

The doctor now tells me she has a kidney disease. I brought up quality of life, her age, how everything that gives her pleasure has been taken away, and her sleeping most of the time. He brought up medications, prescription dog foods, and starting her on an IV drip to flush her kidneys. He said most times it works.

Most times. I want all the time. I want her prance back, I want her curled up next to me at night, I want her foolish alert face looking back at me, I want her back on the couch looking out the window, I want dog slobbers on the windows of the RV and car. I want my geriatric puppy back. Will an IV drip give me that? Will an IV drip give her back all the things I had to take away? She is confined to the floor, she cannot sleep with me, and the only pleasure she has is wet dog food laced with Phenobarbital.

I was told by a vet that she will let me know when it is time. I have accepted that. I might not like it but I have accepted it. I feel she is letting me know now. Then why can’t the vet just let us say good-bye? Why do we have to keep medicating her? Where in the hell can I find a humane vet in this area?

She is not suffering now. I asked the vet how much Phenobarbital can I give her and I gave the full amount when I got home. She is sound asleep. When she wakes up I will medicate her again.

Location: Sierra Vista