When the day came and my divorce was finalized there was so much I wanted to do and experience. One of the top items on my to-do list was taking a family vacation. As soon as I became gainfully employed and was able to save up the money, off we went. We did float trips at the beginning and I thought it great fun to have strange men throw beers at me and I believe at one time I had quite a variety in the refrigerator (at that time I didn’t drink and hated to throw things away). Little did I know at the time my family vacations were destined to have problems. I thought it perfectly normal to crash into trees while floating down the river. Having our canoes wipe out and watching our lunch become fish food. We came back from these adventures battered, bruised, bloody, and laughing hysterically. We were easily entertained and common sense didn’t tell me to stop. One year I decided to go out of the state for vacation. We went to Chicago and I accidentally took the children to Joliet Prison. My daughter was hanging out the window and yelling “mom is that a prostitute?” I wanted to reach back and rip out her tongue. But we got through this and got back on the highway, back on track. Then we got lost in Chicago. I come from a town the size of Hooterville and Chicago is not where I wanted to be lost in. I think I crossed over (illegally) several lanes to get turned around; I know I ran a couple of stop lights but fortunately the children were oblivious to my terror. I only had one thought – turn this puppy (car) around and head home. This country girl had enough but on my way home I found the exit I was suppose to turn onto and off we went. When we arrived at our destination we had a lot of fun and it was truly a family vacation until the semi truck rear ended the car.
Undeterred I still went on family vacations and every one always had something bad happen. The trip I took to Belize with my son, Scott was great. I had my first taste of their beer and liked it. I come back from exploring, drink two cold ones, take an aspirin, and pass out until supper. We explored the Mayan Ruins, went caving, canoeing, and it was wonderful. On the flight back, my son says “mom this is the first time that nothing has gone wrong while on vacation.” Famous last words because when we went to pick up the car, it was gone. Stolen but recovered with about $4,000 damages. Then the next vacation was in Copan Honduras. Scott and I flew in and were met by the hotel van and we were ushered to our room. The next morning there was a man from the tour company we had retained waiting for us to take us to Copan. He took us to our bus and left. We were dumped in Copan. No tour guides, no help, no nothing. In Copan I learned to hitch hike, I learned to find things on my own, and I think I got married to the man who took us to the site where Mayan women would go to give birth on giant stone toads. The guide didn’t speak English but he was wonderful at pantomiming the act of conceiving a baby, giving birth to a baby, and I even got on a toad with him. When our stay at Copan was over we hitchhiked to the bus station where we caught a bus to San Pedro Sula. There we had to find a ride back to the hotel. So we flagged down a taxi, agreed upon the price and we hopped in the cab. Taxi drivers there drive 98 miles an hour, drive on sidewalks, back alleys, and have no regard for human life. I held on to Scott for dear life, said several prayers, and even managed to pick myself off the floor of the cab with my eyes closed. When we arrived we found out we didn’t have a reservation. I tried calling the tour company but no one would take my calls. The manger gave us a suite but then requested that Scott and I do not dine on the top floor where all the highbrows dined; I guess we are too much redneck for them to handle. I am who I am and I am fine with that. We did exactly what two rednecks would do on vacation, we broke into the mini bar that was in our room and helped ourselves. They actually locked it up even though it came with the room. The next day we were to fly to Rotaan Island on a party plane. I don’t like beaches I prefer jungles but Scott wanted to find a few topless women and send the pictures back home to his friends. At the airport I found out that I didn’t have reservations for the party plane, so once again I started bargaining and managed to get Scott and me on a cargo plane. They called it an island hopper. Small, dinky little plane and I am or was terrified of flying. There was no seat belts, people were standing up like on a subway train, and half the plane was filled with “stuff.” We made several stops on our way but we arrived safely only to find out, yes you guessed it we didn’t have any reservations. So we stayed in the employees quarters the first night and were given a hotel room for the duration. I paid for the room. Fortunately there were reservations made for our flight home. They finally got something right and after several phone calls I received a big reimbursement from this company. Poor Scott didn’t have any pictures to share with friends.
The latest trip was to El Remate Guatemala. Hannah, her friend Robert, and I were off to explore a small part of this beautiful country. I also wanted to see Tikal again and explore Ciebal. After Robert broke his foot horse back riding, we decided to rent two kayaks, one for Robert and the other for Hannah and me. We spent a lazy hour looking for shells, avoiding snakes and enjoying the scenery. Lake Petén is so blue it makes your eyes hurt. It is gorgeous. There is an ancient Mayan ruin under the lake which divers are exploring but as our luck has it, no one was out on the water. When we started back I noticed that Hannah and I were taking on water and immediately started bailing, then the wind kicked up and things went from bad to worse. The weight of the water plus the wind caused the kayak to flip over and the next thing I know Hannah and I are out in the middle of the lake. You could say we were up the proverbial river without a kayak. I know you can hang onto your oar for a floatation device but the damn thing sunk. Hannah is flipping out, Robert is rowing towards us, and when he reached us, I decided to switch kayaks. Ours had rolled completely over and there was enough air inside it to keep it afloat but I wasn’t sure how much weight it could hold. Being short in stature and having more upper body strength I had Robert crawled on the kayak that Hannah and I were in and I pushed Hannah onto Robert’s kayak. She tried desperately to pull me up but I will admit that I am a little overweight and the efforts were futile. Visualize this – we are in the middle of this lake, Robert is sitting on the bottom of the kayak hauling ass toward shore, Hannah is on the other kayak and I (overweight and a smoker) am treading water. Kind of reminded me of the Bill Cosby comedy routine when he says “Noah how long can you tread water?” I held onto the kayak while Hannah started paddling. I managed to get rid of as much weight as I could but I could not wrestle my sandals off and truthfully I wanted to die with my sandals on because the bottom of that lake was like quicksand. Every two minutes Hannah would look at me and say “mom I love you.” Truthfully that was driving me nuts but she wanted to make sure I knew this before I sank to the bottom like the oar. Robert somehow made it to shore, turn the kayak over and started heading for town but like I said earlier the kayak had a leak. By the time he made it to the shores of El Remate the owner of the kayaks was waiting for him. As the owner explained it “I see you paddling but I no see kayak.” It was underwater but Robert was hanging onto it for dear life with his legs. He is a truly amazing man with very strong leg muscles. Robert jumps on the handle bars of the owner’s bike and they started pedaling through town to get the rescue boat. The owner had to stop several times so he could tell everyone he saw that he was rescuing two American women who were drowning in Lake Petén. 45 minutes after the kayak had flipped, Hannah and I made it to shore. I climbed on the kayak with Hannah and we started paddling back to town when I saw our rescue boat coming towards us. It was the owner and Robert in a canoe coming to rescue us. All of us were horribly sun burnt but I ended up with a strange rash. I had rashes in places that I never had a rash before and after a few days my skin started peeling and it was peeling in places I never peeled before. It looked like I was molting. My thighs stayed numb for a long time but I got the feeling back. When I got home I went to my doctor, received antibiotics and his advice was “stop swimming in lagoons.” I won’t bore you with Hannah finding a dead man on the side of a bridge.
Common sense would tell me not to attempt to go on vacation but it is great fun once the terror wears off and you are safe and sound.
Undeterred I still went on family vacations and every one always had something bad happen. The trip I took to Belize with my son, Scott was great. I had my first taste of their beer and liked it. I come back from exploring, drink two cold ones, take an aspirin, and pass out until supper. We explored the Mayan Ruins, went caving, canoeing, and it was wonderful. On the flight back, my son says “mom this is the first time that nothing has gone wrong while on vacation.” Famous last words because when we went to pick up the car, it was gone. Stolen but recovered with about $4,000 damages. Then the next vacation was in Copan Honduras. Scott and I flew in and were met by the hotel van and we were ushered to our room. The next morning there was a man from the tour company we had retained waiting for us to take us to Copan. He took us to our bus and left. We were dumped in Copan. No tour guides, no help, no nothing. In Copan I learned to hitch hike, I learned to find things on my own, and I think I got married to the man who took us to the site where Mayan women would go to give birth on giant stone toads. The guide didn’t speak English but he was wonderful at pantomiming the act of conceiving a baby, giving birth to a baby, and I even got on a toad with him. When our stay at Copan was over we hitchhiked to the bus station where we caught a bus to San Pedro Sula. There we had to find a ride back to the hotel. So we flagged down a taxi, agreed upon the price and we hopped in the cab. Taxi drivers there drive 98 miles an hour, drive on sidewalks, back alleys, and have no regard for human life. I held on to Scott for dear life, said several prayers, and even managed to pick myself off the floor of the cab with my eyes closed. When we arrived we found out we didn’t have a reservation. I tried calling the tour company but no one would take my calls. The manger gave us a suite but then requested that Scott and I do not dine on the top floor where all the highbrows dined; I guess we are too much redneck for them to handle. I am who I am and I am fine with that. We did exactly what two rednecks would do on vacation, we broke into the mini bar that was in our room and helped ourselves. They actually locked it up even though it came with the room. The next day we were to fly to Rotaan Island on a party plane. I don’t like beaches I prefer jungles but Scott wanted to find a few topless women and send the pictures back home to his friends. At the airport I found out that I didn’t have reservations for the party plane, so once again I started bargaining and managed to get Scott and me on a cargo plane. They called it an island hopper. Small, dinky little plane and I am or was terrified of flying. There was no seat belts, people were standing up like on a subway train, and half the plane was filled with “stuff.” We made several stops on our way but we arrived safely only to find out, yes you guessed it we didn’t have any reservations. So we stayed in the employees quarters the first night and were given a hotel room for the duration. I paid for the room. Fortunately there were reservations made for our flight home. They finally got something right and after several phone calls I received a big reimbursement from this company. Poor Scott didn’t have any pictures to share with friends.
The latest trip was to El Remate Guatemala. Hannah, her friend Robert, and I were off to explore a small part of this beautiful country. I also wanted to see Tikal again and explore Ciebal. After Robert broke his foot horse back riding, we decided to rent two kayaks, one for Robert and the other for Hannah and me. We spent a lazy hour looking for shells, avoiding snakes and enjoying the scenery. Lake Petén is so blue it makes your eyes hurt. It is gorgeous. There is an ancient Mayan ruin under the lake which divers are exploring but as our luck has it, no one was out on the water. When we started back I noticed that Hannah and I were taking on water and immediately started bailing, then the wind kicked up and things went from bad to worse. The weight of the water plus the wind caused the kayak to flip over and the next thing I know Hannah and I are out in the middle of the lake. You could say we were up the proverbial river without a kayak. I know you can hang onto your oar for a floatation device but the damn thing sunk. Hannah is flipping out, Robert is rowing towards us, and when he reached us, I decided to switch kayaks. Ours had rolled completely over and there was enough air inside it to keep it afloat but I wasn’t sure how much weight it could hold. Being short in stature and having more upper body strength I had Robert crawled on the kayak that Hannah and I were in and I pushed Hannah onto Robert’s kayak. She tried desperately to pull me up but I will admit that I am a little overweight and the efforts were futile. Visualize this – we are in the middle of this lake, Robert is sitting on the bottom of the kayak hauling ass toward shore, Hannah is on the other kayak and I (overweight and a smoker) am treading water. Kind of reminded me of the Bill Cosby comedy routine when he says “Noah how long can you tread water?” I held onto the kayak while Hannah started paddling. I managed to get rid of as much weight as I could but I could not wrestle my sandals off and truthfully I wanted to die with my sandals on because the bottom of that lake was like quicksand. Every two minutes Hannah would look at me and say “mom I love you.” Truthfully that was driving me nuts but she wanted to make sure I knew this before I sank to the bottom like the oar. Robert somehow made it to shore, turn the kayak over and started heading for town but like I said earlier the kayak had a leak. By the time he made it to the shores of El Remate the owner of the kayaks was waiting for him. As the owner explained it “I see you paddling but I no see kayak.” It was underwater but Robert was hanging onto it for dear life with his legs. He is a truly amazing man with very strong leg muscles. Robert jumps on the handle bars of the owner’s bike and they started pedaling through town to get the rescue boat. The owner had to stop several times so he could tell everyone he saw that he was rescuing two American women who were drowning in Lake Petén. 45 minutes after the kayak had flipped, Hannah and I made it to shore. I climbed on the kayak with Hannah and we started paddling back to town when I saw our rescue boat coming towards us. It was the owner and Robert in a canoe coming to rescue us. All of us were horribly sun burnt but I ended up with a strange rash. I had rashes in places that I never had a rash before and after a few days my skin started peeling and it was peeling in places I never peeled before. It looked like I was molting. My thighs stayed numb for a long time but I got the feeling back. When I got home I went to my doctor, received antibiotics and his advice was “stop swimming in lagoons.” I won’t bore you with Hannah finding a dead man on the side of a bridge.
Common sense would tell me not to attempt to go on vacation but it is great fun once the terror wears off and you are safe and sound.
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