Thanks Deanie For The Funny - I Edited Some Of It

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about the rat poop in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258^th time. BUT that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/ Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish. I learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends.

I no longer frequent KFC because of their chickens are horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer shop at Targets since they are French and don’t support or troops. Heck, they don’t even support the Salvation Army. I will stay away from shopping malls because someone will drug me with perfume samples and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer wear cancer causing deodorant even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Pepsi and Dr. Pepper is banned in my home since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “under God” on their cans. Chocolate milk is also banned from my home since it is made from "regular" milk rejected for containing too much cow's blood.*

THANK GOD for cell phones because the coin returns on pay phones have aids infected needles in it.

Thanks to all of the e-mails I have received about the big brown African spider that is lurking under the public toilet seats. Its bite will cause instant death when it bites me on the arse.

I also recently found out that a South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read blogs with their hand on the mouse. Don’t bother taking it off now, its too late!

I wish I could post all of the warnings I receive via e-mail but it would cause Blogger to crash and burn.